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Tuesday, May 7, 2013

I Had A Dream...(A little of My Story)

Here is a little of my story, only pieces and only the parts I can share..

All in a blink, my life changed.
The plans that I had for myself came undone. 
I would like to say I was okay, that losing a dream that seemed within reach was not hurtful. 
I would be lying.

Let us start back almost 6 years ago, the fall of my senior year.
Everyone was filling out college applications, applying for scholarships..
while I was waiting to tell my parents the big news that I was not going to college.
Nope, I wanted to join the Air Force.
That dream was shortly crushed..
My parents insisted I go to college, first.
So I did.

I go to college, only to experience some pretty life changing situations my first year.
I receive some shocking news about my physical self, news that will still effect my future.
I learned to keep living, and living to the full..
I ran my first half marathon that year.
And I came out from underneath some pretty deep pits and closer to God because of it.
Only, I had no idea at the time, that this situation of mine, would one day have a huge effect on my dream.
And turn my world completely upside down...

Two years into college I go to my parents with the same conversation.
Once again, they asked that I finish college, and instead go the Officer route.
Two years of college left, it felt eons away!
I grudgingly agreed.
I suddenly became infatuated with aviation,
longing to be a Pilot for the USAF.
The next two years I would spend countless hours preparing for OTS (Officer Training School).
Driving back and forth to Arlington, working with my AFR (Air Force Recruiter).
Taking the AFOQT (Air Force Officer Qualifying Test).
Which I failed the first time, but passed with flying colors the second.
You only get TWO times in your whole life to take the AFOQT, no third chances.
I eventually had all my ducks in a row 6 months before College graduation.
There was just one last step, my physical...
I felt confident.
My confidence was lost all too soon.

I'll never forget the two minutes that seemed all too blurry, but replays in my mind all the time.

I go into the cold room with white walls.
I sit down beside the doctor as he looks through my medical documents.
He addresses me about my situation.
I repeat for the hundredth time what I have told every doctor at the MEPs (Military Entrance Processing Station) all morning.
He quietly looks over everything as my insides start to turn.
An uneasiness comes over me.
Then it happened.
He stamps it and coldly states two words, "You're dq'd."
I glared down at the most awful word,
stamped across my name.
Every instinct told me to fight it..and I did.
I pleaded for him to take it back, explaining thoroughly.
My words take no effect on him.
I walked out.
I handed it to the nearest Captain.
He was shocked.
The US Navy Captain encouraged me to keep pursuing this.
Still in disbelief I assured him it was not over, it could not be.
I left and called my recruiter, he too, not accepting the results.

For the next two months we fight it.
I spent long nights awake thinking about it, researching every possibility of getting it overturned.
I found any person in the military who could possible help.
I wrote letters to representatives, to senators.
But time after time I would get a letter from the USAF denying me, 
time again and again having to relive the crushing of my dream.

Do you ever remember as a kid, looking up to someone,
looking at them with extreme admiration,
wanting to be them?
That is how I felt (and still feel) about men and women in the military.
I never had any stronger desire than to wear the uniform.
The dark blue suit.
The two butter bars on my shoulder when I was commissioned.
The wings when I graduated pilot school.

As many close to me know, 
my desires to join the military came to a screeching halt that fall of 2011, 
a few months before graduating college.
I received the last letter containing my only chance of hope.
It started out, "We're sorry to inform you..."
All those years of determination and hard work, 
for nothing.

I was hurt.
I was very angry with God, to be honest.
Why was He making me relive my circumstances?
I fell back into my pit, like I had done two years before.
It was like deja vu.

But once again,
He pulled me through the valley.
I began to depend on Him again.
I let Him take control.
He brought me out of my pity.
He showed me life could go on.
And not only go on, but be..

I still have my letters, denying me, in black and white, of my dreams.
I pull them out every now and then.
I thank God for it.
It might seem crazy, but I am thankful.
My anger for Him morphed into an extraordinary love for Him.
I realized it was not all for nothing.
I came across some pretty remarkable people in my pursuit for my dream,
friends that I will have for the rest of my life!
Friendships I would not have made if I hadn't taken that journey.

I also discovered a more intimate relationship with God.

For whatever reason, I am learning I was meant for a different journey.
One door did close.
I don't feel as if I gave up.
But just taught myself to trust Him.
Trust that He has something better in store for me.
I know it.
He is in control.

Not every day is perfect but I rely on the history He and I have.
The time He seasoned me.
It is what fuels me.

I wish I could share with you, dear friends, all the very intimate details of why it did not work out, 
but the few personal details of this story are best left between my family and closest of friends..
I hope it inspires, nonetheless.
And I pray that when God closes a door, you do not sit down and give up on life..
but keep on walking the journey with Him until the right door for you, 

Life is beautiful.
And I have been Beautifully Broken.

Romans 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory to be revealed in us.

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