photo 25e14650-b8aa-478c-8eb6-4ff9b84f9500_zps11748770.jpg

Thursday, April 20, 2017


I cannot believe it has been over two years since I have written. Life has swept me away and I was in a very wonderful and magic chapter in my life. I met a boy who took me into the clouds and I haven’t came back down since. My life is complete bliss and God has truly blessed me.
It has been a roller coaster of a ride and I hate I have not shared my journey for the past two years. I don’t even know if anyone will read this but I feel some pull to share what is going on.

I have been married for almost two years now, so so crazy. At this point we are ready for some kiddos...and I have been ready to be a mama for a while. Which leads me to the point of this post...

When I was 19 I found out that I was born with MRKH. 1 in 5,000 women are born with this, and lets just say the odds were not in my favor. I can never and will never carry our child.

I always longed to be a mama. Every girl imagines having her own child and being pregnant...thinking about who their child will look like most..taking maternity pictures..gender know, and maybe you had that experience. For my husband and me, it is not a reality, it is not the cards we were dealt. It is a tough reality, and sometimes it doesn’t feel real.

When I first found out I was not in a stage where I was wanting to have babies. It was still very traumatic and I eventually coped. Then I met my husband. Everything came rushing back in, the same emotions of emptiness and disappointment. My husband was wonderful though and he chose me knowing I could never carry his child. God gave me him and I will be forever grateful.

But now here it is, right in front of my face, the journey I have been dreading and at the same time anxiously anticipating. It is so bittersweet. I want nothing more than to be a mama, but I know there will be hurt and is so scary. I would be lying if I said I am not afraid.

So how are we going to have children? Well, we feel God has led us to foster to adopt. We are already officially certified..and this is another reason I am writing to you. For a few months we have been praying for the right child and my husband was so set on a boy. I didn’t care either way. We even bought baby boy clothes just to be prepared. We kind of got our minds set that it would just be boy for some reason. Well, we got our first phone call two weeks ago...for a three week old baby GIRL.

I was elated, so excited. I laughed and thought ok God, I get it you are in control. We prayed for a boy, and here we are getting a call for a girl. The lady with our agency told us this is a great situation..parents terminated their rights already and she is a healthy baby. She did say there is still a chance CPS might say no, but we felt good about it. We even saw pictures of her and I instantly felt a bond. I thought this is our child, this is the reason why God chose us for this journey. This is why I cannot carry a child. Here it is, I see it all in her face. We told our parents and close friends, and just asked that they be praying about the situation and the baby girl. My husband and I even started talking about girl names. I prayed so hard every moment of the day. She was all I could think about.. As each day went by, I started feeling more and more emotional. I honestly had that homesick feeling you have, when you just miss home, and nothing feels right. You can't sleep or eat. I felt like she was our home and missed a child I hadn’t even met!...It was just bittersweet.

I anxiously waited by phone and had it glued to me the past two weeks. I even changed our lady’s number to a special tone. I just wanted to know, will she be our child or not?..You might can already see where this was leading...
Last night I was in Tuesday Mornings shopping when my phone went off. It was her ringtone. I got the call, and as soon as I said hello I could hear the emptiness in her voice.

They did not choose us.

We were shocked.

My heart sank and felt so broken.

..but she couldn’t tell me, they had not given her a reason why.  It hurt a lot worse than I had prepared myself for. Wow, this deep hole in my heart gaped open. I had my heart set on this baby girl, and I really thought it would be the happy beginning to this journey. But it wasn’t. I have definitely learned to trust in God. I cannot see why he said no to this prayer, but I do believe with everything in me there had to be a reason. Still hurts, and still doesn't take away the longing to be a mama.

All I know is it had to be God. He has to be protecting us from more of a heart break..God knows my heart, and I can be honest to say it... it still hurts, and I am still a little bit angry. It is amazing how much you can hurt and yearn for a child you have never even held in your arms.

As I was driving home, I was blaring the music, playing Trust In You by Lauren Daigle..and I felt like God was holding me, literally holding me as I drove down the road. I wept and wept and thanked God for being there in this dark moment. I felt him more closely than I had ever felt him in my entire life. It was beautiful.

I will most likely never forget that baby girls sweet face and the possibility to have been her mama. And I will go on praying for her, hoping she went to a home that cherishes and loves her as much as we would have.

Life can take many twisted turns, and we don’t know why at the time or perhaps we never do find out why God says no. But I look back at certain things that happened to me that I could not reason why at the time and I say, “Ok God, I see it now” ...and I look at my wonderful husband thinking I probably would have never met him if all my prayers were answered the way I wanted them to be answered. That is the beauty of God. TO me that is the only way trusts grows. If everything had been handed to me I prayed for, there would be no reason for me to trust Him. It is because he has said no, and then it worked out for the best me that I learned to trust him more. So I do believe He has the perfect children in mind for us, even though this baby was no.

I know this new chapter of our life will not be an easy one. This is just one stepping stone, and there could me more heartache to come. But I do see God molding us to be incredibly strong and loving parents because of this. It is just beautiful.

I just have so much to be thankful for. I live a pretty incredible life. I have a beautiful husband, amazing extended family, incredible and supportive friends, my health, a wonderful job and a home. Life is good. It can be so easy to focus on the negative. It is that easy to slip into that dark hole and feel sorry for yourself... But it is incredibly important to sit and thank God for all the good in your life.


So here we are, on the edge of parenthood, not knowing when or how it will happen for us.

And even though the darkness is there, I cannot stay in it. I have to look toward the light. I have to keep the faith and hold on to the hope God gives me every day that we will be parents. And how grateful I will be when he does make us parents..I will not take one single moment of parenthood for granted, because I will know what it took to get there.

I read something like this somewhere and thought how much it resonates with our journey. I just know it will be far more difficult than we could possibly imagine, but also far more beautiful than we could have ever hoped for.

And I can just see it now...the beauty of being a mama. How magical it will be..

Me and our baby, sitting on the swing of our front porch, looking at the sunset. Singing a very sweet lullaby soft and low to our precious baby, kissing them a million times...and whispering ever so softly in their ear,"mama loves you so very much and has been praying for you for a long time"...

1 Peter 4:12-13
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice as you share in Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when His glory is revealed.

Here is the song I was talking is amazing.
Trust In You by Lauren Daigle