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Monday, March 31, 2014

Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

Wow, what a beautiful weekend it was.
I am so overjoyed right now I cannot stand it!

The past year has been one of the most difficult part of my journey.
I have been faced with grief, loss, change
in every way possible one could imagine.
I feel I have experienced more in the past few months than in my lifetime.
but I am thankful.

God is working in me in a way I never imagined.
I feel closer to Him than ever!
It is one of the most indescribable feelings.
I thought after Grandma going home almost two months (that is weird to say)
I would never be the same.
And I was right..
but not in the idea I had in mind.
He is breaking me even more,
into something beautiful.

I go back to the moment after I found Grandma,
the EMTs were there and I walked outside
and literally
fell to my knees, 
to my face.

I was eating the dirt 
with my tears
and just begging God,
"Keep her breathing"
it was all I could say.
and all I could manage to cry out,
"God, keep her breathing".

I have never fallen to me knees ..
a moment of desperation...
filled with pain 
that only those who have ever begged for a life,
I wish no one would ever have to experience
those 30 minutes of Hell.
The tears I shed on that ground,
begging for her life.

It was a moment of pure nakedness..

of surrender..

I think of David when he begged God to spare his child... 
picture this...
A man after God's own heart..
16 David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth on the ground.  

And then I think of David, and how he acted
after he still lost his child...

17 The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.
18 On the seventh day the child died. David’s attendants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, “While the child was still living, he wouldn’t listen to us when we spoke to him. How can we now tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate.”19 David noticed that his attendants were whispering among themselves, and he realized the child was dead. “Is the child dead?” he asked. 
“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.” 
20 Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes,he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.21 His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!” 
22 He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’  
23 But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”
 I did all I could to keep Grandma alive.
I prayed for mercy.
I prayed for grace.
I prayed to have her a little longer.

God's plan was different,
it IS different.

I cannot go on reliving that moment.
Grandma cannot come back,
a hard and always painful truth.
I will still go on missing her, everyday,
I must move on from that horrible
30 minutes
 and live the way God and Grandma
both want me to live..
A full and happy life.
One filled with the sweet memories of my Grandma
and more beautiful memories to come.

There is a reason and a season for everything.
There are storms when we least expect them,
but there is always His promise too.
A promise of a rainbow.
One filled with all different beautiful colors.
We might have to search for it in the clouds,
but it is there,
it is always there.

And I know, somewhere over the Rainbow,
is my Grandma, waiting for me to one day come home....

where bluebirds fly....

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Friday, March 14, 2014

Close My Eyes.

All Sets in.

Crashing in all at once I cry for God to take it away.
Yesterday was the hardest day.

As Papaw and I drove home from dinner we reminisced.
I drive as I see him weep for his love.
The hurt is so deep it takes my breath away.
I try sucking back the tears but they flow instead.

I wept.

I know I am missing a big piece of our puzzle and it will never be complete
Until we see her in another world.
The moments of longing feel like an eternity. This has been the longest month of my life.
I miss Grandma.
I miss her so much my heart feels like it will explode.

Last night my mind was wrapped around our last moments.
I thought of Jesus and how He brought Lazarus back from the dead.
To have that power..
I would do or give anything to have her back here.
Take it all God, everything I have.
I would sacrifice it all even for a few more minutes with her.

God has given me dreams.
I have dreamed.
Twice I have had her in my dreams.
Last night’s dream I clung to her.
I cried desperately in my dream, holding onto her like I never wanted to let go.
I begged her to never leave me….it was so vivid.
It was as real as you and me.

Grief is unexplainable.
I wish I could say it gets easier.
All I want is for things to be as they once were.
I close my eyes and wish it hard.

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Wednesday, March 12, 2014

I Hear You in the Birds' Song.

This short poem was written, Tuesday, March 11th.,
one month since Grandma went home.

Words of my heart.

I Hear You in the Birds' Song.

It has been a lifetime since I saw you,
One month since you went away.
I'm trying to get by without shedding a tear,
But there hasn’t been a day.
I feel you in the wind when I run,
I hear you in the birds,
And see you in the daffodils,
Dancing in the sun.
But it doesn’t fill this hole,
The piece that is missing in my heart.
I don’t know if it well ever heal,
It has just completely fallen apart.
Mornings are difficult,
But nights are the worst.
I want to be complete again,
it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
I take time each day to think of memories past,
Of conversations we had.
Like the ones where we spoke of God,
And how His love, it lasts.
You always knew the right words to say,
The words they flowed.
I never knew how or why,
But now I think I know...
This world needed people like you,
Giving, loving, kind.
To show us true love,
The kind that is hard to find.
There is comfort knowing you’re home,
Where there is no worries, no hurt, no end.
And I will continue to think of that every day,
Until we meet again.

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Tuesday, March 4, 2014


I know I sound like a broken record, but it is all I can think, it still seems unreal. I keep waiting for her to walk through the door.

This weekend was rough. Papaw was more down than ever, and it broke me to pieces. I felt helpless, knowing I cannot take away his pain. I watch him as he sets in a room full of people. 
Everything around him is moving, but he is stand still. 
The world is revolving but he is stopped in time.

I feel his pain.

I want her back.

It is that simple.

I wish I could say I understand.

I don’t.

I want God to give her back to us.
I find myself jealous of God and that He has her.

I miss her so.

Change is never fun…
but I am ready for the seasons to change. 
The cold keeps us inside and we can dwell and what was and now isn’t. 

I think of Joe on the movie Little Women, and how she tells Marmie, 
“I hate change..
Why can’t everything just stay the same?”
I know, Joe. Why can’t it?

I miss my childhood more than ever.

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