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Friday, November 15, 2013

Bleed. {Part 2-Don't give up.}

Say Something by A Great Big World on Grooveshark

As I flew away Monday night, I looked down over Omaha and felt homesick already.

I was crushed...

I start to fall in my mind....

With Omaha, a piece of my heart would stay....

It wasn't the place I would be missing, but the lost dream of being in the military..

It cut to my heart, like for the first time....

The higher we flew, the more it hurt....

I am lifted higher into the clouds, and the events of the weekend unfold in my mind....


On top of feeling like my world was closing in on me like years before.
I had no clue I would soon begin to bleed for another.

One of my dearest of friends, an Air Force pilot, shared this...

Her own heartache struck her this year, when her vision would keep her from the air, forever...

.....never will she deploy again.
.....never will she taste the sweetness of flying a plane.
.....never will she serve in the military, it will just be a distant memory of the past.
Like it is for me.

My spirit was crushed.
I feel for her instantly….

I could see in her a heartache that was all too familiar.

.....the heartache of the world suddenly turning upside down.
.....the heartache of not being in the military.
.....the heartache of never flying.
.....the heartache of losing a dream to a real live nightmare.

I bleed for her.

As I step foot on base, men and women in uniform walk around me.

I feel small.

My vision blurs.

It feels like home and a nightmare all at the same time.

I feel overwhelmed with emotion, of happiness and hurt.
It burns.. because I can see myself among them, being one of them.
I am wearing the uniform.
I have done it.

I am living the dream.

Then reality hits me in the face.
I walk away with no hope of discovering true happiness.


My past comes back and haunts me, again.
I wake up in the middle of the night, from a dream... the same dream...
..Where I am in the military.
I awaken only to discover it is just that,
....a dream,
....and I am living the nightmare..

I beg God to please say something...


Something in me makes believes He is trying to...

...That it is not over yet.

Perhaps I gave up too soon...?

Was this nightmare supposed to be a hard reminder? fill me with a passion like before.
.. so that I might give it one more shot?

Is this why the nightmares continue?

I don't want to give up.

I'm not ready.

I don't want to say goodbye to it yet..
Is this what He is saying?

Is this why my memories came flooding back?

Say something, God…

And maybe...
He already did.

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Thursday, November 14, 2013

Bleed. {Part 1}

Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad by Moby on Grooveshark

There was a moment in time when my motivation to get up every morning was the hope my dream would become a reality. I once believed in this hope, but I lost it.

This weekend I spent the Veterans Holiday with some of my most cherished veterans in my life, officers of the United States Air Force.

The sun once shined on days when I lived and breathed with the most beautiful of dreams.

This weekend was bittersweet. Memories were made with my dear friends, but old, hurtful memories filled my head.
The wounds of my heartache from two years ago, when I was given the news my military dream was over, reopened. The hurt came rushing back in as I visited Offutt AFB once again. I started to bleed as I was reminded.

{You can read I HAD A DREAM...A LITTLE OF MY STORY by clicking the post on the side of the page, if you have not already..It may give you a peek into my journey with the AF.}

This weekend, I was reminded of my passion for the military. I was reminded of my desire to serve along these men and women. I was reminded of how strong my heart bled to become one of them.

I honestly had forgotten how hurt I had once felt. I thought I was over it, but I am not. I wish I could say I am, but the human in me cries.

I once believed.

I believed my dreams could happen. I believed in myself. And the most greatest belief, I believed that God would make my dreams take flight.

I wish I still did.

Instead I continue to bleed.


It is a soft sound in my ear. Never is it loud, but just assurance that He is there... with me.
It always seems to come, right when I am about to give up. Give up on the hope that He wants the best for me..Give up on the dreams to do great things for many beautiful things, that could be lost, out in the abiss, but then I hear it...
A whisper.
His gentle voice is telling me to not give up, to never lose hope, keep trusting, keep holding on..for He is with me, always.
Romans 8:28

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

No Greater Love

I want to share with you an excerpt from No Greater Love, story from Mother Teresa...


One day I found a little girl in the street, so I took her to our children's home. We have a nice place and good food there. We gave her clean clothes and we made her as happy as we could.

After a few hours, the little girl ran away. I looked for her, but I couldn't find her anywhere. Then after a few days, I found her again. And, again, I brought her to our home and told a sister, "Sister, please, follow this child whereever she goes." The little girl ran away again. But the sister followed to find out where she was going and why she kept running away.

She followed the little girl and discovered that the little one's mother was living under a tree in the street. The mother had placed two stones there and did her cooking under that tree.

The sister sent word to me and I went there. I found joy on that little girl's face, because she was with her mother, who loved her and was making special food for her in that little open place.

I asked the little girl, "How is it that you would not stay with us? You had so many beautiful things in our home."

She answered, "I could not live without my mother. She loves me. "That little girl was happier to have the meager food her mother was cooking in the street than all the things I had given her.

While the child was with us, I could scarcely see a smile on her face. But when I found her there with her mother, in the street, they were smiling.

Why? Because they were family.


Loving strangers can be easy, it is loving those closest to me that can be difficult. I believe, like Mother Teresa, we should start with love in the home.

This poor (literally not spiritually) mother loved her daughter so dearly that she would rather be with her, in the streets, that in a warm shelter with more food than she had ever seen.

Love goes a long way.

It is what this world is lacking.

Start with your children. Make it spread like wildflowers, then watch it grow, into a beautiful world full of love. It is the only way we can create change.

We Love, because HE first Loved us.

1 John 4:19

There is no greater love...