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Friday, February 28, 2014

Grief deep down in my heart.

Grandma in the 1950's.

It still doesn’t seem real. I feel like this is the embedded statement in my brain.
 I keep expecting her to come around the corner…
and then after a while I am still sitting there, waiting but she never shows. 
It burns... this feeling. 
I never knew a loss like would be this excruciating. 
But it isn’t just any loss, it is losing her. 
She was the person I would talk to about everything and anything. 
Her smile was the one I depended on when I was down. 
Grandma was it.

I have sent God 120 questions in the past two weeks. Why her? Why so soon? Why now? Could you not have given her another 10 years, at least? …they go on and on, but I get no response. It doesn’t matter because it will not bring her back. I will never understand why. I have learned I need to stop questioning God because well, He is God. 
He knows better than I. 
I am just Aeron. 
My mind cannot comprehend or even fathom His ways. 

I  am so human.

I am just waiting for the day, where I can make it 24 hours without shedding a tear. I have my happy moments. I am going along with daily routines, keeping distracted but them wham! …Oh, wait Grandma is gone…and the happiness diminishes.

Early in the mornings and late at night are the hardest. Every day on my way to work, especially the past 2 months since I started a new job I would text Grandma in the morning to say I love you and she would respond, “Grandma loves her grandbaby.” …I keep waiting for the text, but it never comes. 

Man, how I hate the mornings right now. 

Then at night I roll over at 9:30 expecting to hear Grandma walking out the front door, hearing the bells jingle like they always did when she slammed the door…but I don’t hear the bells any longer. That is when I really break down. 
Life just doesn’t seem normal, it will never be my normal.

I have been dreaming of Heaven. 

How beautiful it will be when I go.

I dream of the most magical place…
like in Gladiator when Russell Crowe is walking through the fields…
I will be walking through the fields of wheat, touching the tall tops softly as I gracefully walk through a Heaven I have never dreamed of though.  
I approach the tall wooden gate; they slowly and magically open by themselves,
 as if they know I am coming. 
It is a site to see..,

 every loved one who has gone before me is there, and there She is, 
my Grandma. 

She is more angelic and beautiful than ever..with the same sweet smile that has been forever engraved in my mind. I run to her like a child and jump into her open arms. It has been a long wait for me, but just a short time for her…
and it finally happens, my perfect ending.. 
we get to spend an eternity together.
The End
….or my mistake, The Beginning.

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Friday, February 14, 2014

Grandma, You Are My Valentine.

(This is the Valentine's present you gave me last year Grandma.)
 This was one of your favorite songs.
This world just doesn't seem real right now, Grandma.
 I don't know if it ever will...without you.
I can still feel you, everywhere.
Your presence surrounds me.
I have never felt you closer.
I can see you sitting there smiling at me.
I feel you holding my hand.
The warmth they always give me.
You are the most beautiful person I know.
I am sorry I am just now writing again, Grandma.
You were just telling me the other day that I haven't written in a while.
You were always my biggest fan and read everything I wrote.
I know you are reading this one too.
So this is my Valentine's gift to you.
I wish it wasn't..
this way at least.
Valentine's Day.
I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought
of was you, of course.
 I know if I was walking through the kitchen now, on my way to work,
I would find a precious Valentine's gift from you on the cabinet, like the one above,
like every Valentines since I moved in.
You would have a little note like this one I found in my recipe book this week, saying...
I will just eat one of your Valentine's cookies you made Tuesday..
and remind you of how good they are.
It was the last thing I ate of yours before this all happened Tuesday afternoon...
It was your last gift to all your babies.
I had just walked in from work Tuesday afternoon and into the kitchen to find
you had made all the beautiful Valentine's cookies that day.
They were laying there,  
on the cabinet,
like all the years before.
I didn't even hesitate to pick one up and
shove it in my mouth.
I am glad I did.
As I was halfway through eating it, you walked out of your bedroom..
and caught me, mid cookie.
You were in your nightgown and had your rollers in your hair.
You smelled of ponds.
I love that smell.
 I laughed about being caught and said sorry.
You told me, like always, "Don't say sorry. Those are for my babies."
I responded perfectly, "They are the best."
We talked about the weather and
the fact the roads could be bad later.
You mentioned you had to get more confectionary sugar that night at work
to ice the rest of the cookies on Wednesday..
You HAD to get them done so you could send them to everyone.
I said, "You'll get it done."
Pretty sure of myself.
I then said these words.. and I will  ALWAYS be grateful to God I did,
"I love you Grandma, goodnight."
"I love you too." You said.
Not even knowing the events coming just 30 minutes later.
But I will stop there.
 Because that is not how I will choose to remember you!
You would not want it to be!
I will remember YOU AND I
 sharing a Valentine's cookie,
It was God's Valentine's gift to me..
but He has always given me so much more.
He gave me so many precious memories over the past few months since
I moved back.
I questioned God before, but I never will again.
So many events that seemed unfortunate at the time,
brought me back to my bedroom in your house back on October 24th.
I am glad when I had the flu last month
I spent it
in our home.
You laid a cold rag on my face and made me chicken dumplings.
Chicken dumplings was your favorite meal your grandma made..
and now it is mine.
You always have a way of making me feel
like a child again.
I would go for runs and before I walked out the door
I would hear you "Aeron, please be careful,
Grandma worries about you."
Like a teenager, I would roll my eyes and say I will be fine.
I would do anything to hear those words again.
But now you will be running with me..
like you always wanted.
You always would get teary eyed talking about how much you missed your grandma.
And I will do the same with you.
I understand those tears more than ever...
and they burn my face.
But I find comfort in the fact that your Grandma
was the first person who greeted you
Tuesday afternoon with the same words
you sent me a few months ago,
"Welcome Home!"
I feel blessed to have you as my Valentine.
I am the blessed one.
To be one of Kitty Bradford's babies.
Every Valentines you will be all of our family's Valentines. 
Because you left us more than the cookies.
You left us so much love.
You left us a legacy.
I know when you read this..
Your response
will be this.
Just like the one you sent me a year ago.
It makes me smile..
because I can hear you.
 I hope I always continue to make you proud,
in everything I do.
Love you infinity....
Your little Jenny
Valentines cookies made by Grandma, 2.11.14.
I adore them both.
I can still feel your arms around me.
You always say, "You'd be beautiful bald,
or in a paper sack."
I also love how you always speak in third person.
You are and always will be the true beauty in my life.