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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Near the brokenhearted.

My heart is broken.

For months my mama has been visiting a friend with cancer.
She lost her battle last night, 
but won the fight for God.
I know, like Grandma, she is at rest with our ultimate
But, she has young children, a young girl,
20 years old,
who will now have to live without her mama.
All I want to do at this very moment is
wrap my arms around her 
precious daughter and share tears with her.
I cannot help but think of my Grandma.
The feeling when I finally knew she went home
and how I wanted her with me and not with God.
The feeling is unlike any you will ever know,

to lose someone to another world.
I know I am selfish.
It is the most selfish I could ever feel.
Who wouldn't rather be with God,
walking "in the cool of the day",
like Adam and Eve did in the garden.
How magical.
Maybe it is a feeling of jealousy more than selfishness.
Grandma left me here,
to deal with the silly every day worries of this world,
while she is celebrating among angels.
I am happy for her, truly.

My sadness comes from the hole Grandma left in me...
and the hole I know is in this young woman
As she awakes, like me,
to a realization her mama
is no longer on this Earth.
It is surreal.
Alone and empty.

A living nightmare.
Change is hard,
life is difficult,
but God is great.

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
 God is the one who has lifted
me from the muck and I know
is wrapping His loving arms
around her daughter this very morning.

Will the feeling of missing Grandma go away? No.
..but I know everything will be OK.
It has been.
You never stop missing the one you love.
You just learn how to cope.
You learn how to truly lean on God. 

God is the comforter.
God loves us.
He does not want us to feel emptiness.
He is the one who fills my hole.
He is the reason I get out of bed every morning.
He is the voice telling me to live.
He is the God who puts the sun in the sky,
and the stars I gaze at each night.
He gives me the cool breeze when I run.
God blesses me with the smiles of my student's faces.
He puts songs in the bird.
..and He loves me.
That is enough.

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