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Monday, March 31, 2014

Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

Wow, what a beautiful weekend it was.
I am so overjoyed right now I cannot stand it!

The past year has been one of the most difficult part of my journey.
I have been faced with grief, loss, change
in every way possible one could imagine.
I feel I have experienced more in the past few months than in my lifetime.
but I am thankful.

God is working in me in a way I never imagined.
I feel closer to Him than ever!
It is one of the most indescribable feelings.
I thought after Grandma going home almost two months (that is weird to say)
I would never be the same.
And I was right..
but not in the idea I had in mind.
He is breaking me even more,
into something beautiful.

I go back to the moment after I found Grandma,
the EMTs were there and I walked outside
and literally
fell to my knees, 
to my face.

I was eating the dirt 
with my tears
and just begging God,
"Keep her breathing"
it was all I could say.
and all I could manage to cry out,
"God, keep her breathing".

I have never fallen to me knees ..
a moment of desperation...
filled with pain 
that only those who have ever begged for a life,
I wish no one would ever have to experience
those 30 minutes of Hell.
The tears I shed on that ground,
begging for her life.

It was a moment of pure nakedness..

of surrender..

I think of David when he begged God to spare his child... 
picture this...
A man after God's own heart..
16 David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth on the ground.  

And then I think of David, and how he acted
after he still lost his child...

17 The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.
18 On the seventh day the child died. David’s attendants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, “While the child was still living, he wouldn’t listen to us when we spoke to him. How can we now tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate.”19 David noticed that his attendants were whispering among themselves, and he realized the child was dead. “Is the child dead?” he asked. 
“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.” 
20 Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes,he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.21 His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!” 
22 He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’  
23 But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”
 I did all I could to keep Grandma alive.
I prayed for mercy.
I prayed for grace.
I prayed to have her a little longer.

God's plan was different,
it IS different.

I cannot go on reliving that moment.
Grandma cannot come back,
a hard and always painful truth.
I will still go on missing her, everyday,
I must move on from that horrible
30 minutes
 and live the way God and Grandma
both want me to live..
A full and happy life.
One filled with the sweet memories of my Grandma
and more beautiful memories to come.

There is a reason and a season for everything.
There are storms when we least expect them,
but there is always His promise too.
A promise of a rainbow.
One filled with all different beautiful colors.
We might have to search for it in the clouds,
but it is there,
it is always there.

And I know, somewhere over the Rainbow,
is my Grandma, waiting for me to one day come home....

where bluebirds fly....

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