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Friday, November 15, 2013

Bleed. {Part 2-Don't give up.}

Say Something by A Great Big World on Grooveshark

As I flew away Monday night, I looked down over Omaha and felt homesick already.

I was crushed...

I start to fall in my mind....

With Omaha, a piece of my heart would stay....

It wasn't the place I would be missing, but the lost dream of being in the military..

It cut to my heart, like for the first time....

The higher we flew, the more it hurt....

I am lifted higher into the clouds, and the events of the weekend unfold in my mind....


On top of feeling like my world was closing in on me like years before.
I had no clue I would soon begin to bleed for another.

One of my dearest of friends, an Air Force pilot, shared this...

Her own heartache struck her this year, when her vision would keep her from the air, forever...

.....never will she deploy again.
.....never will she taste the sweetness of flying a plane.
.....never will she serve in the military, it will just be a distant memory of the past.
Like it is for me.

My spirit was crushed.
I feel for her instantly….

I could see in her a heartache that was all too familiar.

.....the heartache of the world suddenly turning upside down.
.....the heartache of not being in the military.
.....the heartache of never flying.
.....the heartache of losing a dream to a real live nightmare.

I bleed for her.

As I step foot on base, men and women in uniform walk around me.

I feel small.

My vision blurs.

It feels like home and a nightmare all at the same time.

I feel overwhelmed with emotion, of happiness and hurt.
It burns.. because I can see myself among them, being one of them.
I am wearing the uniform.
I have done it.

I am living the dream.

Then reality hits me in the face.
I walk away with no hope of discovering true happiness.


My past comes back and haunts me, again.
I wake up in the middle of the night, from a dream... the same dream...
..Where I am in the military.
I awaken only to discover it is just that,
....a dream,
....and I am living the nightmare..

I beg God to please say something...


Something in me makes believes He is trying to...

...That it is not over yet.

Perhaps I gave up too soon...?

Was this nightmare supposed to be a hard reminder? fill me with a passion like before.
.. so that I might give it one more shot?

Is this why the nightmares continue?

I don't want to give up.

I'm not ready.

I don't want to say goodbye to it yet..
Is this what He is saying?

Is this why my memories came flooding back?

Say something, God…

And maybe...
He already did.

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