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Friday, February 28, 2014

Grief deep down in my heart.

Grandma in the 1950's.

It still doesn’t seem real. I feel like this is the embedded statement in my brain.
 I keep expecting her to come around the corner…
and then after a while I am still sitting there, waiting but she never shows. 
It burns... this feeling. 
I never knew a loss like would be this excruciating. 
But it isn’t just any loss, it is losing her. 
She was the person I would talk to about everything and anything. 
Her smile was the one I depended on when I was down. 
Grandma was it.

I have sent God 120 questions in the past two weeks. Why her? Why so soon? Why now? Could you not have given her another 10 years, at least? …they go on and on, but I get no response. It doesn’t matter because it will not bring her back. I will never understand why. I have learned I need to stop questioning God because well, He is God. 
He knows better than I. 
I am just Aeron. 
My mind cannot comprehend or even fathom His ways. 

I  am so human.

I am just waiting for the day, where I can make it 24 hours without shedding a tear. I have my happy moments. I am going along with daily routines, keeping distracted but them wham! …Oh, wait Grandma is gone…and the happiness diminishes.

Early in the mornings and late at night are the hardest. Every day on my way to work, especially the past 2 months since I started a new job I would text Grandma in the morning to say I love you and she would respond, “Grandma loves her grandbaby.” …I keep waiting for the text, but it never comes. 

Man, how I hate the mornings right now. 

Then at night I roll over at 9:30 expecting to hear Grandma walking out the front door, hearing the bells jingle like they always did when she slammed the door…but I don’t hear the bells any longer. That is when I really break down. 
Life just doesn’t seem normal, it will never be my normal.

I have been dreaming of Heaven. 

How beautiful it will be when I go.

I dream of the most magical place…
like in Gladiator when Russell Crowe is walking through the fields…
I will be walking through the fields of wheat, touching the tall tops softly as I gracefully walk through a Heaven I have never dreamed of though.  
I approach the tall wooden gate; they slowly and magically open by themselves,
 as if they know I am coming. 
It is a site to see..,

 every loved one who has gone before me is there, and there She is, 
my Grandma. 

She is more angelic and beautiful than ever..with the same sweet smile that has been forever engraved in my mind. I run to her like a child and jump into her open arms. It has been a long wait for me, but just a short time for her…
and it finally happens, my perfect ending.. 
we get to spend an eternity together.
The End
….or my mistake, The Beginning.

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