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Friday, June 6, 2014

Long gone.

Some things will never be normal..
Like walking into my Grandma's house,
looking for her in the kitchen,
her bedroom,
and not finding her there.
Never normal.

I get frustrated at God
when I think of Him taking her from me.
Not being able to share my first year of teaching with her.
Not having her at my wedding.
My children never being able to meet her.

I try all I can to stop these thoughts.

But it is hard for me to stop
the memory of me trying
to bring her back to life.
Nights are the hardest...
Something drew me to her last night.
I think because I needed to talk to someone,
and she was that someone for the longest time.
I drove up to the cemetery.
walked in the gates
and just 

My feet froze.

I couldn't even make it all the way to
her grave without stopping and bursting into tears.
The cemetery was pitch black
but all I could see was her face.
The one I haven't seen for many months now,
...too long ago.

I stood there for a while just soaking in the reality of her disappearance.

I never did make it all the way to her grave.
I couldn't.

I drove around for 30 minutes,
just listening to music she liked.
Trying to feel my mind with sweet memories of her.

Waking up on Saturday and Sunday mornings
in her house always meant one thing.
No matter how tired or busy Grandmas was,
she always found time to make breakfast
for Papaw, me and whoever showed up.

"What do you want?"
She always asked and never assumed.

That was my typical response.
I probably went through a bottle of syrup every two months.

Biscuits and gravy.
Another favorite...
Actually the last breakfast she made me
two days before she passed away.

Sitting on the front porch swing.
We would sit out there and watch the hummingbirds
come to her feeder on hot summer days.
She loved birds.
We would talk about nature and how we loved 
the beautiful countryside God created,
and that we didn't care too much for the city life.

Reading the bible.
If I had a Bible question, 
I knew who to ask.
She soaked it up like a sponge,
and I would just be mesmerized by her wisdom.
She truly was and is an angel.

We had an equal infatuation with the NBA.
Grandma loved her some Dirk Nowitzki though.
I am a Spurs fan,
But we would watch the games together

I loved listening to her sing on Sunday mornings.
She sang loud and I could feel her worshiping.
I think I was really feeling her love.. and how
it poured
out of her voice.

Grandma always served.
There was never any request should would
not fulfill for her babies.
She would do everything for us.
Sacrifice anything.
She lived and breathed for God and her family.

Grandma had one thing she wanted for us all ultimately,
to be happy.
So that is what I choose.
not sorrow.
I am learning to cope..
I am learning to hold on to the good memories my Grandma gave me..
and ultimately learning to lean on God
and let His incredible love
live in me,
just like Grandma did.

She is long gone...
to a place far better than this world.
But her love isn't.
It's in me.
I can feel it.

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