Bleed. {Part 2-Don't give up.}

As I flew away Monday night, I looked down over Omaha and felt homesick already.
I was crushed...
I start to fall in my mind....
With Omaha, a piece of my heart would stay....
It wasn't the place I would be missing, but the lost dream of being in the military..
It cut to my heart, like for the first time....
The higher we flew, the more it hurt....
I am lifted higher into the clouds, and the events of the weekend unfold in my mind....
..............
On top of feeling like my world was closing in on me like years before. I had no clue I would soon begin to bleed for another.
One of my dearest of friends, an Air Force pilot, shared this...
Her own heartache struck her this year, when her vision would keep her from the air, forever...
.....never will she deploy again. .....never will she taste the sweetness of flying a plane. .....never will she serve in the military, it will just be a distant memory of the past. Like it is for me.
My spirit was crushed. I feel for her instantly….
I could see in her a heartache that was all too familiar.
.....the heartache of the world suddenly turning upside down. .....the heartache of not being in the military. .....the heartache of never flying. .....the heartache of losing a dream to a real live nightmare.

I bleed for her.

As I step foot on base, men and women in uniform walk around me.
I feel small.
My vision blurs.
It feels like home and a nightmare all at the same time.
I feel overwhelmed with emotion, of happiness and hurt. It burns.. because I can see myself among them, being one of them. I am wearing the uniform. I have done it.
I am living the dream.
Then reality hits me in the face. I walk away with no hope of discovering true happiness.
.................
My past comes back and haunts me, again. I wake up in the middle of the night, from a dream... the same dream... ..Where I am in the military. I awaken only to discover it is just that, ....a dream, ....and I am living the nightmare..
I beg God to please say something...
anything...
Something in me makes believes He is trying to...
...That it is not over yet.
Perhaps I gave up too soon...?
Was this nightmare supposed to be a hard reminder?..to fill me with a passion like before. .. so that I might give it one more shot?
Is this why the nightmares continue?
I don't want to give up.
I'm not ready.
I don't want to say goodbye to it yet.. Is this what He is saying?
Is this why my memories came flooding back?
Say something, God…
And maybe... He already did.

Bleed. {Part 1}

There was a moment in time when my motivation to get up every morning was the hope my dream would become a reality. I once believed in this hope, but I lost it.

This weekend I spent the Veterans Holiday with some of my most cherished veterans in my life, officers of the United States Air Force.

The sun once shined on days when I lived and breathed with the most beautiful of dreams.

This weekend was bittersweet. Memories were made with my dear friends, but old, hurtful memories filled my head. The wounds of my heartache from two years ago, when I was given the news my military dream was over, reopened. The hurt came rushing back in as I visited Offutt AFB once again. I started to bleed as I was reminded.
{You can read I HAD A DREAM...A LITTLE OF MY STORY by clicking the post on the side of the page, if you have not already..It may give you a peek into my journey with the AF.}
This weekend, I was reminded of my passion for the military. I was reminded of my desire to serve along these men and women. I was reminded of how strong my heart bled to become one of them.
I honestly had forgotten how hurt I had once felt. I thought I was over it, but I am not. I wish I could say I am, but the human in me cries.
I once believed.
I believed my dreams could happen. I believed in myself. And the most greatest belief, I believed that God would make my dreams take flight.

I wish I still did.
Instead I continue to bleed.

Whisper

  It is a soft sound in my ear. Never is it loud, but just assurance that He is there... with me. It always seems to come, right when I am about to give up. Give up on the hope that He wants the best for me..Give up on the dreams to do great things for Him...so many beautiful things, that could be lost, out in the abiss, but then I hear it... A whisper. His gentle voice is telling me to not give up, to never lose hope, keep trusting, keep holding on..for He is with me, always. Romans 8:28
 

No Greater Love

I want to share with you an excerpt from No Greater Love, story from Mother Teresa...
~~~~~
One day I found a little girl in the street, so I took her to our children's home. We have a nice place and good food there. We gave her clean clothes and we made her as happy as we could.
After a few hours, the little girl ran away. I looked for her, but I couldn't find her anywhere. Then after a few days, I found her again. And, again, I brought her to our home and told a sister, "Sister, please, follow this child whereever she goes." The little girl ran away again. But the sister followed to find out where she was going and why she kept running away.
She followed the little girl and discovered that the little one's mother was living under a tree in the street. The mother had placed two stones there and did her cooking under that tree.
The sister sent word to me and I went there. I found joy on that little girl's face, because she was with her mother, who loved her and was making special food for her in that little open place.
I asked the little girl, "How is it that you would not stay with us? You had so many beautiful things in our home."
She answered, "I could not live without my mother. She loves me. "That little girl was happier to have the meager food her mother was cooking in the street than all the things I had given her.
While the child was with us, I could scarcely see a smile on her face. But when I found her there with her mother, in the street, they were smiling.
Why? Because they were family.
~~~~~~

Loving strangers can be easy, it is loving those closest to me that can be difficult. I believe, like Mother Teresa, we should start with love in the home.
This poor (literally not spiritually) mother loved her daughter so dearly that she would rather be with her, in the streets, that in a warm shelter with more food than she had ever seen.
Love goes a long way.
It is what this world is lacking.
Start with your children. Make it spread like wildflowers, then watch it grow, into a beautiful world full of love. It is the only way we can create change.
We Love, because HE first Loved us.
1 John 4:19
There is no greater love...

Thank You, Lord.

I don't even know where to begin. It has be eons since I have seen a computer and suffered the loss of an unwritten blog. My life has taken many twists and turns the past 3 months my head is spinning. I am finally getting into somewhat of a routine and am thankful.

I come to you, the reader, today with a grateful heart. I want to spend this time just thanking God. I believe it is crucial to say a special prayer everyday telling Him all the many blessings He has created in my life. It seems when things are going good I forget to tell Him how very grateful I am...I honestly hate that I do this. I am learning to be grateful and content no matter the circumstances and praise Him through it all.

I challenge you all to write down ten things today that you are thankful for and be sure and thank the big man upstairs.

Here are mine, in no particular order...

1. My faith.
2. Family.
3. Friends.
4. Home.
5. Church Family.
6. Job
7. Health
8. Vehicle
9. His Love
10. Understanding




Gravity

Do you ever have that dream where you are falling, and right before you hit the ground you wake up? That feels like my life, but in reverse. I have already fallen, and I am being lifted back towards God, but right before I am back on the cliff something jolts and I start falling back towards Earth again.This is my nightmare.
I cannot seem to fully reach God. I want to be standing on the mountain next to Him, my arms stretched wide, saying I made it.
My problem is instead of allowing Him to lift me I try to start climbing this big mountain, called life, alone. It is the control problem I have. I just cannot give it up. Though He humbles me everytime. I get caught up in my abilities, not His, and gravity pulls me down.
Gravity is inevitable. Gravity keeps us from climbing the mountain. Can it be defied? Yes, but only with the power and strength that is not possessed alone. I get it, finally.

I know i am not the only one. Some might think they can do it alone but when they reach the top of their mountain there will be not anyone welcoming them home. They will realize they were climbing the wrong mountain all along. Some might just give up and choose to sit in the valley. Some might not even understand gravity, or even know it exists. Can they see their is a huge mountain to climb? Will they wonder of the beauty on the other side of the mountain? Will they see hope, faith, and trust there is more?If only they knew how beautiful the view is from the top. It is what I fear. I want to tell them that gravity can be defied. That life is absolutely beautiful from the Top. I want them to see what I see. To understand life beyond this valley. I want them to be Born Again.


Matthew 28:19 Go then and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them into the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.

Push.

I woke up yesterday with the biggest smile on my face. That says a lot because I was on my way to run 14 miles with my mom. We are training for the Dallas Marathon. It was a cool, crisp morning and absolutely perfect running weather. At mile 12 something came over me. I felt empowered. It is the feeling God gives me when I run. Another reason why I DO run. People who hate running do not understand why we runners do crazy things like run marathons. It is hard to explain. It isn't because we are crazy, it is something much more. It is the feeling of accomplishment. The knowing that God can give you such a strength to run the distance.
We had a great run {my mom is a rockstar by the way} and she always pushes me. I am so blessed that God has put people in my life who constantly push me to be better, in all aspects of my life. Yesterday I had a dear friend tell me that when down she reads my blog. I continuously forget what a difference encouragement can make. I had been contemplating not blogging anymore, but after she shared that with me I knew there was not an option. So I will continue to write and share what great things God is doing in my life...
I will push myself and continue to push others as long as I breathe.

Do you have that one person in your life who encourages you? I want to push each of you to be that person today? Encourage one person today. Send them a note, a text, an email. Let them know you love them, that they're noticed, encourage them, push them!
Ephesians 4:29
Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God’s favor) to those who hear it.

I don't believe in coincidence..

I don't believe in coincidence.

I chose a verse this morning to write on my whiteboard at school for these kids to read,

it was Matthew 22:39, Love Your Neighbor As Yourself.

I like to show a motivational video everyday at the first of class.

I did not finish watching the video until I showed it to the kids.

I was speechless when I saw the verse at the end of the video.

Some would say it was a coincidence...

but I know better.

Why I'm Tested

Something came very clear to me today.. When I am going through a hard time I say, well God is testing me. I agree that we are tested, it is what strengthens us. And it is the endurance we build in those times that keeps us going. But I just had one profound thought.... The testing of our faith is not so God can see where we are. God already knows where our faith is and where our faith will be tomorrow. The testing of our faith is so that WE can realize how strong our faith is.

James 1:2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Homesick

I come with a humble heart today. I have come to terms with the fact that I am homesick. The nostalgic feeling that overcame me earlier this week when I entered my parent's home. It was the smell of a warm comfort. It is of fall. It takes me back to my early childhood days when my mom would start decorating the house about this time with all her fall decor. It made me  happy, because her Halloween houses would go up and of course since my birthday belongs on that holiday it made me even giddier. It is a feeling I wish I could recapture but perhaps I will get to recreate with my kids one day.

This weekend I had the opportunity to meet one of the most incredible Christian men on the earth, Phil Robertson. I hope you have heard of him. He is the Duck Commander and belongs to the TV series, Duck Dynasty. I attended his small bible study of about 15 people, including most of my family, early Sunday morning at White Ferry Rd. Church in West Monroe, LA. I also got to meet his wife, Miss Kay and oldest son, Alan. They are some of the most down to earth folks you will meet and surely have a love for sharing the Gospel. They inspired me. They have zero inhibitions when it comes to sharing the word, face to face or on TV, it doesn't matter. They are truly messangers of God and using their tools to change America...and perhaps the world too.

After finishing reading Happy, Happy, Happy last night I was overwhelmed. I have spent the past two days wrapped up in Phil's book. It is an incredible journey to read. However, it has made me homesick to be honest. The way he talks about nature and being out in God's creation makes me yearn for it even more. I would say I grew up a fairly outdoorsy girl and as an East Texan did my share of hunting and fishing with my dad. I don't think I appreciated it like I will from here on out. And like Phil, I despise having a cell phone, using a computer as well but I have found it rewarding to reach people through blogging. I hate being married to a phone and wish to divorce it. I would love to go back to the day when the world turned round without it. I had the chance to leave work yesterday for about two hours. In that time I found myself back down the old, familiar country roads I grew up on. I went for a 4 mile run, soaking in all God's beautiful creation Phil spoke of. I find myself a lot like Phil, yearning and homesick, like he was for several years, for the place he felt most at home...outside, in nature. My country roads are Phil's duckblind. We both have a longing for the place where we feel completely connected to God. What a better place, than where you can see Him. I see Him in the trees, in the birds, in the Sun and how it shines through through everything.

His book brought me back to my roots and I am glad it did. I am growing because of it. I am at a better place thanks to it. I owe my gratitudes to Phil and his story.

I know God cares about out my faith, and if I can live out my faith by spending my time out in nature more than that's what I plan to do.

But back to my mom's house, and being homesick. I think I will always be a little homesick. It is not the homesickness of my past but for my future. A homesick feeling for life beyond this one on earth. Homesick for eternity in the clouds, because this place on earth is not my home.

Until then, I will find solice outside, in nature, in God's masterpiece...where my soul can imagine how one day my Home will be with Him.