Just Ask.

 He was walking slower than the other kids and

falling behind.

I could tell he was trying to keep up,

but he just wasn't capable.

All I wanted to do was carry him....

Contentment

 

I regret it has been two months since my last post.

A lot of incredible things have happened

in my life and I hate I have not shared them.

For so long I found my blogs to be mournful

and those "feel sorry for myself"

type of songs.

It is not the Aeron I like to be.

I went on an adventure of a lifetime in July.

I spent almost two weeks in Italy.

I traveled Cinque Terre, Florence and Rome.

Can you say, amazing right!?

I will post more on this later.

To more important things going on in my head lately.

Contentment.

I went for a little stroll yesterday afternoon.

I decided to finally spend some

quiet time, just God and me.

I walked a mile down the road and sat on a bridge.

I dived into the Bible and found myself in John.

I usually find myself reading there.

John 8:32 stood out.

"Then you will know the truth..

and the truth will set you free."

What is the truth?

The truth I believe Jesus was speaking of,

was Him.

Once you know Jesus is the Son of God,

you will know the truth, right?

..But what is the truth in my life,

that sets me free??

I feel fake.

..Sometimes, I feel I live a double life.

I am happy, free, go-lucky and adventurous.

..But on the inside there is turmoil.

I question who I am.

Do I really know me?

Will I ever be content?

A part of me feels all over the board with my thoughts.

I pray and ask God for things,

He answers and I usually get them.

However, I am never fully satisfied.

So then I ask myself, is this what I really wanted?

Do I know what I want?

I guess the better question is,

do I know what I need?

I need God that is for sure.

I talked for a good bit this morning with a doll of a friend.

She is a missionary in the Philippines and I adore her.

She put it like this,

"No, we will never be fully satisfied with what God

gives us. We will only be content with Him.

He wants us to seek Him. We cannot find full

contentment any all the worldly, tangible things.

Only in Him will we find our full

satisfaction."

Wow, she is right.

I think that is what my heart was leading me to yesterday.

After all the years' events that have tossed my heart in muck,

I have had happiness beyond measure the past few months..

only it was still not enough, because God was not the center of my focus.

He was definitely in the midst of my blessings,

but I set Him aside.

Last night was one of the best nights of sleep for me.

I went to bed satisfied and content,

because the last thing I did was pray.

I used the analogy this morning, telling my dear friend.

It is like eating healthy and exercising.

I put it off,

sometimes dread it,

or 'I don't have time',

but then when I do eat right and exercise I feel amazing!..

thinking, " wow, why have I not started this sooner

or why did I ever stop in the first place?".

We're human.

I am so human, I keep playing trial and error it seems.

But I am back running again,

literally and spiritually..

running after God.

Exercising my body and mind,

and it feels wonderful!

John 8:12

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said,

"I am the light of the world.

Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness,

but will have the light of life."

...and more thoughts to come sooner than two months down the road.

Long gone.

Some things will never be normal..

Like walking into my Grandma's house,

looking for her in the kitchen,

her bedroom,

upstairs...

and not finding her there.

Never normal.

I get frustrated at God

when I think of Him taking her from me.

Not being able to share my first year of teaching with her.

Not having her at my wedding.

My children never being able to meet her.

I try all I can to stop these thoughts.

But it is hard for me to stop

the memory of me trying

to bring her back to life.

....

Nights are the hardest...

Something drew me to her last night.

I think because I needed to talk to someone,

and she was that someone for the longest time.

So

I drove up to the cemetery.

I

walked in the gates

and just 

stopped.

My feet froze.

I couldn't even make it all the way to

her grave without stopping and bursting into tears.

The cemetery was pitch black

but all I could see was her face.

The one I haven't seen for many months now,

...too long ago.

I stood there for a while just soaking in the reality of her disappearance.

I never did make it all the way to her grave.

I couldn't.

I drove around for 30 minutes,

just listening to music she liked.

Trying to feel my mind with sweet memories of her.

...

Breakfast

Waking up on Saturday and Sunday mornings

in her house always meant one thing.

Breakfast.

No matter how tired or busy Grandmas was,

she always found time to make breakfast

for Papaw, me and whoever showed up.

"What do you want?"

She always asked and never assumed.

Waffles.

That was my typical response.

I probably went through a bottle of syrup every two months.

Biscuits and gravy.

Another favorite...

Actually the last breakfast she made me

two days before she passed away.

Birds.

Sitting on the front porch swing.

We would sit out there and watch the hummingbirds

come to her feeder on hot summer days.

She loved birds.

We would talk about nature and how we loved 

the beautiful countryside God created,

and that we didn't care too much for the city life.

Reading the bible.

If I had a Bible question, 

I knew who to ask.

She soaked it up like a sponge,

and I would just be mesmerized by her wisdom.

She truly was and is an angel.

Basketball.

We had an equal infatuation with the NBA.

Grandma loved her some Dirk Nowitzki though.

I am a Spurs fan,

But we would watch the games together

anyway.

Singing.

I loved listening to her sing on Sunday mornings.

She sang loud and I could feel her worshiping.

I think I was really feeling her love.. and how

it poured

out of her voice.

Service.

Grandma always served.

There was never any request should would

not fulfill for her babies.

She would do everything for us.

Sacrifice anything.

She lived and breathed for God and her family.

Grandma had one thing she wanted for us all ultimately,

to be happy.

So that is what I choose.

Happiness..

not sorrow.

I am learning to cope..

I am learning to hold on to the good memories my Grandma gave me..

and ultimately learning to lean on God

and let His incredible love

live in me,

just like Grandma did.

She is long gone...

to a place far better than this world.

But her love isn't.

It's in me.

I can feel it.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

Wow, what a beautiful weekend it was.

I am so overjoyed right now I cannot stand it!

The past year has been one of the most difficult part of my journey.

I have been faced with grief, loss, change

in every way possible one could imagine.

I feel I have experienced more in the past few months than in my lifetime.

but I am thankful.

God is working in me in a way I never imagined.

I feel closer to Him than ever!

It is one of the most indescribable feelings.

I thought after Grandma going home almost two months (that is weird to say)

I would never be the same.

And I was right..

but not in the idea I had in mind.

He is breaking me even more,

into something beautiful.

I go back to the moment after I found Grandma,

the EMTs were there and I walked outside

and literally

fell to my knees, 

to my face.

I was eating the dirt 

with my tears

and just begging God,

"Keep her breathing"

it was all I could say.

and all I could manage to cry out,

"God, keep her breathing".

I have never fallen to me knees ..

a moment of desperation...

filled with pain 

that only those who have ever begged for a life,

understand.

I wish no one would ever have to experience

those 30 minutes of Hell.

The tears I shed on that ground,

begging for her life.

It was a moment of pure nakedness..

of surrender..

I think of David when he begged God to spare his child... 

picture this...

A man after God's own heart..

16 David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth on the ground.  

And then I think of David, and how he acted

after he still lost his child...

17 The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.

18 On the seventh day the child died. David’s attendants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, “While the child was still living, he wouldn’t listen to us when we spoke to him. How can we now tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate.”19 David noticed that his attendants were whispering among themselves, and he realized the child was dead. “Is the child dead?” he asked. 

“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.” 

20 Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes,he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.21 His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!” 

22 He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’  

23 But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

 I did all I could to keep Grandma alive.

I prayed for mercy.

I prayed for grace.

I prayed to have her a little longer.

God's plan was different,

it IS different.

I cannot go on reliving that moment.
Grandma cannot come back,
a hard and always painful truth.
I will still go on missing her, everyday,
but
I must move on from that horrible
30 minutes
 and live the way God and Grandma
both want me to live..
A full and happy life.
One filled with the sweet memories of my Grandma
and more beautiful memories to come.

There is a reason and a season for everything.

There are storms when we least expect them,

but there is always His promise too.

A promise of a rainbow.

One filled with all different beautiful colors.

We might have to search for it in the clouds,

but it is there,

it is always there.

And I know, somewhere over the Rainbow,

is my Grandma, waiting for me to one day come home....

where bluebirds fly....

Gone.

I know I sound like a broken record, but it is all I can think, it still seems unreal. I keep waiting for her to walk through the door.

This weekend was rough. Papaw was more down than ever, and it broke me to pieces. I felt helpless, knowing I cannot take away his pain. I watch him as he sets in a room full of people. 

Everything around him is moving, but he is stand still. 

The world is revolving but he is stopped in time.

I feel his pain.

I want her back.

It is that simple.

I wish I could say I understand.

I don’t.

I want God to give her back to us.

I find myself jealous of God and that He has her.

I miss her so.

Change is never fun…

but I am ready for the seasons to change. 

The cold keeps us inside and we can dwell and what was and now isn’t. 

I think of Joe on the movie Little Women, and how she tells Marmie, 

“I hate change..

Why can’t everything just stay the same?”

I know, Joe. Why can’t it?

I miss my childhood more than ever.

Upside Down


I love this short and sweet story.
A huge message in few words...
 .................
 Today I was approached by a homeless man who asked if I had any change. 
I only had two quarters, but I gave it to him anyway.
As I watched him walk away,
he put the quarters in an expired parking meter of a stranger's car.
 
Someone who couldn't even afford to buy himself something to eat,
instead used what little he had to give others.
...................

What a beautiful example of giving.

I was touched by this story.

Seems kind of upside down.
The homeless man...giving.
Honestly, he probably has more than most of us have.
He holds a treasure worth more than any earthly fortune.
A humble and giving heart.

This is the treasure I long for.

I admit to struggling with giving.
It is a quality I would like to see wither.
I would rather flourish as
one who, without inhibitions, gives even her last 2 quarters.

I have always thought much of the widow,
who gave it all.
 ..............

As Jesus looked up, he saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury.  He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins.  “Truly I tell you,” he said, “this poor widow has put in more than all the others. All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.^"

^{.....................}
 

So during this giving holiday let us remember what real giving looks like.

...and remember who gave it all for us.

 

When A Seed Grows.

 My wise niece once said to me.."Auntie Aeron, you know why it is so windy in the spring?"..

"Why Emma?"...I ask.

"The wind blows the seeds and that makes the flowers grow!"

It made me realize the windy weather is important...in our own lives.

The wind God allows to blow us about in tough times indeed makes us grow.

It pushes us down to the Earth, 

on our knees we fall,

the seeds of tears seeping into the ground.

But when the seeds are properly nourished,

and we allow the sun to shine down on us..

We emerge,

from the dirt.

We blossom,

and grow into something beautiful,

a flower.

It just took a little bit of wind.

And not all flowers are alike,

we have daffodils, sunflowers, lilies, and roses.

All with their own unique beauty..

And all made beautiful in the image of God.

Matthew 13:8

Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop- a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.

Little Women

It was a white Christmas, one of those days to sit by the warm fire and dive into a book. But I decided to watch a movie instead...a nostalgic one, bringing back memories of my childhood.

 

Little women.

 

If you have never seen Little Women, (I prefer the Wynona Ryder version) it captures the lives of four sisters from childhood to womanhood. Like young girls do, their girlish selves long to be women one day, married, perhaps with careers or possessing great wealth. Time finds them, ten years later. And with that time, comes change. No longer shall they sit by the window of their playroom dreaming of what will become.Women they have became. I always relate to Jo March, the second oldest. Now Jo, the independent sister, ready to take on the world, finds herself longing and yearning for the days where their child ways belonged.

 

"Why should we marry at all? Why can't things just stay as they are?".



I find myself being taken over by The Peter Pan Syndrome, wanting things to stay as they were when I was a young girl. Playing on the beach with my mom, six years old, staring off into the blue ocean , without a care...