Losing Yourself.

 

Losing.

Who said losing was bad?

First I need to apologize for all the grammatical errors in my post yesterday.

I wrote it in haste.

Let me refocus.

I teach 5th graders, so I bunny trail like my 

students sometimes.

Losing.

Losing loved ones.

Losing money.

Losing your home.

Loss.

This is NOT the losing I want to share with you.

This kind of loss is hard, it's life, but still hard.

I'm talking about a different kind of lost today.

Losing yourself.

Yesterday, I wrote about how sometimes I 

feel fake.

Like I really don't know me.

I'm here to say I realized last night

I don't want to know me!

"What!?", you may be thinking.

It is the truth!

I give up on knowing me.

..and this is why.

I read something very profound last night,  by C.S. Lewis,

in his book Mere Christianity ,

about losing yourself.

IF ANYTHING PLEASE READ THIS!

It is incredible.

 -------------------------------

"Our real, new self 

(which is Christ's and also yours, and yours just because it is His) 

will not come as long as you are looking for it. 

It will come when you are looking for Him. 

Does that sound strange? 

The same principle holds, you know, 

for more everyday matters.

Even in social life, 

you will never make a good impression on other people 

until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making. 

Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about 

originality 

will ever be original 

whereas if you simply try to tell the truth 

you will, 

nine times out of ten, 

become original without ever having noticed it. 

The principle runs through all life from top to bottom, 

Give up yourself, 

and you will find your real self. 

Lose your life and you will save it. 

Submit to death, 

death of your ambitions and favorite wishes 

every day 

and death of your whole body in the end submit 

with every fibre of your being,

and you will find eternal life. 

Keep back nothing. 

Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. 

Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. 

Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only

hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. 

But look for Christ 

and you will find Him,

and with Him everything else thrown in.”

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 Wait, doesn't Matthew say something about this too?

Matthew 10:39

Those who find their lives will lose them, 

and those who lose their lives 

because of me will find them. 

I really have nothing more to say,

The Bible and Lewis say it all... right there.

Lose yourself,

and you will find God.

Strive to know Thee,

not me.

Grief deep down in my heart.

Grandma in the 1950's.

It still doesn’t seem real. I feel like this is the embedded statement in my brain.

 I keep expecting her to come around the corner…

and then after a while I am still sitting there, waiting but she never shows. 

It burns... this feeling. 

I never knew a loss like would be this excruciating. 

But it isn’t just any loss, it is losing her. 

She was the person I would talk to about everything and anything. 

Her smile was the one I depended on when I was down. 

Grandma was it.

I have sent God 120 questions in the past two weeks. Why her? Why so soon? Why now? Could you not have given her another 10 years, at least? …they go on and on, but I get no response. It doesn’t matter because it will not bring her back. I will never understand why. I have learned I need to stop questioning God because well, He is God. 

He knows better than I. 

I am just Aeron. 

My mind cannot comprehend or even fathom His ways. 

I  am so human.

I am just waiting for the day, where I can make it 24 hours without shedding a tear. I have my happy moments. I am going along with daily routines, keeping distracted but them wham! …Oh, wait Grandma is gone…and the happiness diminishes.

Early in the mornings and late at night are the hardest. Every day on my way to work, especially the past 2 months since I started a new job I would text Grandma in the morning to say I love you and she would respond, “Grandma loves her grandbaby.” …I keep waiting for the text, but it never comes. 

Man, how I hate the mornings right now. 

Then at night I roll over at 9:30 expecting to hear Grandma walking out the front door, hearing the bells jingle like they always did when she slammed the door…but I don’t hear the bells any longer. That is when I really break down. 

Life just doesn’t seem normal, it will never be my normal.

I have been dreaming of Heaven. 

How beautiful it will be when I go.

I dream of the most magical place…

like in Gladiator when Russell Crowe is walking through the fields…

I will be walking through the fields of wheat, touching the tall tops softly as I gracefully walk through a Heaven I have never dreamed of though.  

I approach the tall wooden gate; they slowly and magically open by themselves,

 as if they know I am coming. 

It is a site to see..,

 every loved one who has gone before me is there, and there She is, 

my Grandma. 

She is more angelic and beautiful than ever..with the same sweet smile that has been forever engraved in my mind. I run to her like a child and jump into her open arms. It has been a long wait for me, but just a short time for her…

and it finally happens, my perfect ending.. 

we get to spend an eternity together.

                                                                                                

The End

….or my mistake, The Beginning.

St. Thomas {Part 2} How it Feels to be Held.

My heart is so full just thinking of all the bright faces below that touched my soul.

Our group held a Vacation Bible School on the Island. We were

blessed to have about 50 kids attend!

Those kids are also some of the happiest kids I have ever met!

I have many amazing stories to tell, but this one I am about to share is a moment

that will stay with me forever.

One of the girls in my class, Le'dejah was joyfully singing along with all the other kids

and unfortunately it got a little rough.....

The sweet girl bumped her ahead, hard, against another girl's.

Instantly, tears filled her big eyes, and before I knew it

her petite arms wrapped tightly around my waist.

Like the instinct of a mother, I embraced her gently, cradling her head.

She pulled her small frame up into my lap and I all I could was hug her ever so close.

I thought of my nieces in that instant, how in times of pain all they need is to be comforted.

...so I did.

I moved to a pew away from my class.

As I sat there, rocking her back and forth, I rubbed her back.

After a moment, she glanced up at me, tears still streaming down.

I wiped them away, hoping to wipe away her pain.

I asked her if she wanted to join the other girls, but Le'dejah refused and leaned her head

back down on my chest.

A few minutes went by, and I had to get up to announce some of the kids from the class.

Instead of asking, I tell her softly, "Le'dejah, you have to go sit back down."

Then her reply stops me in my tracks, "No", as she squeezes tighter.."No one ever holds me."

Every fiber in my body wanted to never let go.

I felt an instant connection between her heart and mine.

The sound of her words pulled and stretched at my heart, and it grew.

I was holding her, but she was also holding me, 

..and holding my heart.

She showed me what it felt like to be held.

Le'dejah will always hold a special place in my heart.

I also think of the relationship between God and us.

There are moments when we hurt and all we want

is to be held...

to be loved...

I realized it didn't matter if they remembered all the bible stories or memory verses we taught.

But the love we showed them in those few days 

is what would make an impression on their very souls!

And through our love, they would see God.

I am forever changed by the experience.

This is Le'dejah, doing her victory dance.

Instant friendship between 3 of my girls and me on the first day.

Two of my sweet boys, Cle'jae and King David.

Jherisa, full of such joy and happiness, look at that smile!

My boys.

My girls.

A moment to freeze-frame time.

Another sweet smile from Le'dejah.

My buddy.

Singing songs with these precious kiddos.

A room full of sweet souls.

My class, the kids I will never forget..

forever belonging 

in my cherished, unforgettable memories.

God Loves You-From Jayden

Sunday was one of the best days for me. My heart was so full, I thought it might burst with overflowing joy.

Our church had a 'connect-reconnect' Sunday, where we had fellow Christians from other church buildings join us for service and worship.

Each 'church' (I use quotes because really we are all apart of ONE church family, we just happen to attend service at different buildings), but each church played a part in the service.

It was incredible to see that even though we have different ways of worship, it is really all the same.

We are all there to worship.

We are all a part of the body.

We all have the most important thing in common,

A Love for God.

At one point in the service, 

a member from the Hispanic church led one of my favorite songs, 

"How Great Thou Art" in Spanish, 

I did my very best to sing along, almost laughing at myself and my 

'spanish-singing' abilities.

....

But there is something about singing a song to God in a different language.

I hope you all get to experience it.

I also had a provoking thought..

It was okay that I was off tune, very off, and could not pronounce each syllable, 

I knew what the words meant.

For once I truly understood the art of pure worship, a bowing down of the heart.

We started singing the English version,

and collaborated with the Spanish version,

singing are parts together 

at the same time, 

as one.

I have never felt more moved in a song then at that very moment.

An emotion came over me that was uncontrollable.

I could not hold back the tears,

before the song was over 

tears were streaming down my face.

I felt one, with God, and the people around me who love Him.

Connect-reconnect had no better definition for me that day.

But

If I was not already emotional enough, 

the most precious boy from one of the other churches, 

turns around and hands me the sweetest drawing..

There is no purer heart than that of a child.

They speak the truth..

Jayden did not even know my name but he did know this..

I love the triangle house, it looks like I'm driving a Hummer too, haha.

Is this not precious?

He made me realize why I have always wanted a big family..

I hope to have about ten children just like Jayden one day!

Jayden made a good point,

God and Jesus do love me..

and He loves you too!

Romans 12:5

..So it is with Christ's body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other.

Childlike Faith.

It is the beauty of a child's faith and trust that I admire so.

He calls us to it.

He requires it.

I imagine myself running up to Him, jumping up in His lap and His big arms wrapping around me as a parent would to their child.

His hold on me is comforting.

I do not release.

He never lets me go.

Sometimes I jump down and run off, trying to discover the world alone.

But He is there watching me closely, like a parent.

I go to Him when I need comfort or help,

like a child I run back into His arms again.

And there He awaits, arms ready to hold me once again.

I discover trust and the faith of a child, in His hold.

He is my father.

I am his daughter.

Always.

Matthew 9:14

But Jesus said, 

"Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven."

When A Seed Grows.

 My wise niece once said to me.."Auntie Aeron, you know why it is so windy in the spring?"..

"Why Emma?"...I ask.

"The wind blows the seeds and that makes the flowers grow!"

It made me realize the windy weather is important...in our own lives.

The wind God allows to blow us about in tough times indeed makes us grow.

It pushes us down to the Earth, 

on our knees we fall,

the seeds of tears seeping into the ground.

But when the seeds are properly nourished,

and we allow the sun to shine down on us..

We emerge,

from the dirt.

We blossom,

and grow into something beautiful,

a flower.

It just took a little bit of wind.

And not all flowers are alike,

we have daffodils, sunflowers, lilies, and roses.

All with their own unique beauty..

And all made beautiful in the image of God.

Matthew 13:8

Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop- a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.

Little Women

It was a white Christmas, one of those days to sit by the warm fire and dive into a book. But I decided to watch a movie instead...a nostalgic one, bringing back memories of my childhood.

 

Little women.

 

If you have never seen Little Women, (I prefer the Wynona Ryder version) it captures the lives of four sisters from childhood to womanhood. Like young girls do, their girlish selves long to be women one day, married, perhaps with careers or possessing great wealth. Time finds them, ten years later. And with that time, comes change. No longer shall they sit by the window of their playroom dreaming of what will become.Women they have became. I always relate to Jo March, the second oldest. Now Jo, the independent sister, ready to take on the world, finds herself longing and yearning for the days where their child ways belonged.

 

"Why should we marry at all? Why can't things just stay as they are?".



I find myself being taken over by The Peter Pan Syndrome, wanting things to stay as they were when I was a young girl. Playing on the beach with my mom, six years old, staring off into the blue ocean , without a care...

Running Through the Rain..

Happy Friday my friends! I want to share a short story today that I read the other day, something about it melted my heart. I just adore children. Their stories just brighten my face and bring so much light into the world! And I just love how sweetly simple minded they are.

A little girl, not even six years old was waiting with her mom inside of Wal Mart one day while it was pouring rain. Several people were standing there as well waiting for the rain to pass.

The young girl turned to her mom at one point and said "Mom, let's run through the rain!"..the mom responded "No it's pouring down rain, we need to wait until it stops."...the little one waited a moment then repeated "Mom lets run through the rain"..."We'll get soaked!" the mom exclaimed. "No, no we won't. That's not what you said this morning." ...the confused mother replied "Umm, this morning? What are you talking about?". "Mommy this morning you were talking to dad about his cancer and told him 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything.' "

Everyone in the crowd stood silently, no one said a word.

Childlike Faith

Today's post is inspired by a conversation I had last night, it is short and sweet just like my niece.

Five years ago this November I was blessed with one of the most precious gifts, my niece. Both of my nieces mean the world to me, but my little Emma Grace has taught me so much..Yes, she is four years old but she has shown me how to love.

I never knew how someone so small can have me wrapped around her little finger. Some of my sweetest memories belong to her. I could seriously go on about this little nugget all day, but I am trying to keep it short.