Bittersweet

 

 

I cannot believe it has been over two years since I have written. Life has swept me away and I was in a very wonderful and magic chapter in my life. I met a boy who took me into the clouds and I haven’t came back down since. My life is complete bliss and God has truly blessed me.

It has been a roller coaster of a ride and I hate I have not shared my journey for the past two years. I don’t even know if anyone will read this but I feel some pull to share what is going on.

 

I have been married for almost two years now, so so crazy. At this point we are ready for some kiddos...and I have been ready to be a mama for a while. Which leads me to the point of this post...

When I was 19 I found out that I was born with MRKH. 1 in 5,000 women are born with this, and lets just say the odds were not in my favor. I can never and will never carry our child.

I always longed to be a mama. Every girl imagines having her own child and being pregnant...thinking about who their child will look like most..taking maternity pictures..gender reveals...baby showers..you know, and maybe you had that experience. For my husband and me, it is not a reality, it is not the cards we were dealt. It is a tough reality, and sometimes it doesn’t feel real.

When I first found out I was not in a stage where I was wanting to have babies. It was still very traumatic and I eventually coped. Then I met my husband. Everything came rushing back in, the same emotions of emptiness and disappointment. My husband was wonderful though and he chose me knowing I could never carry his child. God gave me him and I will be forever grateful.

But now here it is, right in front of my face, the journey I have been dreading and at the same time anxiously anticipating. It is so bittersweet. I want nothing more than to be a mama, but I know there will be hurt and disappointment..it is so scary. I would be lying if I said I am not afraid.

So how are we going to have children? Well, we feel God has led us to foster to adopt. We are already officially certified..and this is another reason I am writing to you. For a few months we have been praying for the right child and my husband was so set on a boy. I didn’t care either way. We even bought baby boy clothes just to be prepared. We kind of got our minds set that it would just be boy for some reason. Well, we got our first phone call two weeks ago...for a three week old baby GIRL.

I was elated, so excited. I laughed and thought ok God, I get it you are in control. We prayed for a boy, and here we are getting a call for a girl. The lady with our agency told us this is a great situation..parents terminated their rights already and she is a healthy baby. She did say there is still a chance CPS might say no, but we felt good about it. We even saw pictures of her and I instantly felt a bond. I thought this is our child, this is the reason why God chose us for this journey. This is why I cannot carry a child. Here it is, I see it all in her face. We told our parents and close friends, and just asked that they be praying about the situation and the baby girl. My husband and I even started talking about girl names. I prayed so hard every moment of the day. She was all I could think about.. As each day went by, I started feeling more and more emotional. I honestly had that homesick feeling you have, when you just miss home, and nothing feels right. You can't sleep or eat. I felt like she was our home and missed a child I hadn’t even met!...It was just bittersweet.

I anxiously waited by phone and had it glued to me the past two weeks. I even changed our lady’s number to a special tone. I just wanted to know, will she be our child or not?..You might can already see where this was leading...
Last night I was in Tuesday Mornings shopping when my phone went off. It was her ringtone. I got the call, and as soon as I said hello I could hear the emptiness in her voice.

They did not choose us.

We were shocked.

My heart sank and felt so broken.
Why?

..but she couldn’t tell me, they had not given her a reason why.  It hurt a lot worse than I had prepared myself for. Wow, this deep hole in my heart gaped open. I had my heart set on this baby girl, and I really thought it would be the happy beginning to this journey. But it wasn’t. I have definitely learned to trust in God. I cannot see why he said no to this prayer, but I do believe with everything in me there had to be a reason. Still hurts, and still doesn't take away the longing to be a mama.

All I know is it had to be God. He has to be protecting us from more of a heart break..God knows my heart, and I can be honest to say it... it still hurts, and I am still a little bit angry. It is amazing how much you can hurt and yearn for a child you have never even held in your arms.

As I was driving home, I was blaring the music, playing Trust In You by Lauren Daigle..and I felt like God was holding me, literally holding me as I drove down the road. I wept and wept and thanked God for being there in this dark moment. I felt him more closely than I had ever felt him in my entire life. It was beautiful.

I will most likely never forget that baby girls sweet face and the possibility to have been her mama. And I will go on praying for her, hoping she went to a home that cherishes and loves her as much as we would have.

Life can take many twisted turns, and we don’t know why at the time or perhaps we never do find out why God says no. But I look back at certain things that happened to me that I could not reason why at the time and I say, “Ok God, I see it now” ...and I look at my wonderful husband thinking I probably would have never met him if all my prayers were answered the way I wanted them to be answered. That is the beauty of God. TO me that is the only way trusts grows. If everything had been handed to me I prayed for, there would be no reason for me to trust Him. It is because he has said no, and then it worked out for the best me that I learned to trust him more. So I do believe He has the perfect children in mind for us, even though this baby was no.

I know this new chapter of our life will not be an easy one. This is just one stepping stone, and there could me more heartache to come. But I do see God molding us to be incredibly strong and loving parents because of this. It is just beautiful.

I just have so much to be thankful for. I live a pretty incredible life. I have a beautiful husband, amazing extended family, incredible and supportive friends, my health, a wonderful job and a home. Life is good. It can be so easy to focus on the negative. It is that easy to slip into that dark hole and feel sorry for yourself... But it is incredibly important to sit and thank God for all the good in your life.

 

So here we are, on the edge of parenthood, not knowing when or how it will happen for us.

And even though the darkness is there, I cannot stay in it. I have to look toward the light. I have to keep the faith and hold on to the hope God gives me every day that we will be parents. And how grateful I will be when he does make us parents..I will not take one single moment of parenthood for granted, because I will know what it took to get there.

I read something like this somewhere and thought how much it resonates with our journey. I just know it will be far more difficult than we could possibly imagine, but also far more beautiful than we could have ever hoped for.

And I can just see it now...the beauty of being a mama. How magical it will be..

Me and our baby, sitting on the swing of our front porch, looking at the sunset. Singing a very sweet lullaby soft and low to our precious baby, kissing them a million times...and whispering ever so softly in their ear,"mama loves you so very much and has been praying for you for a long time"...

1 Peter 4:12-13

 

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice as you share in Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when His glory is revealed.

Here is the song I was talking about..it is amazing.
Trust In You by Lauren Daigle



 

 

Just Ask.

 He was walking slower than the other kids and

falling behind.

I could tell he was trying to keep up,

but he just wasn't capable.

All I wanted to do was carry him....

The Encounter

I am inert.

Stopped in my tracks by the sun.  I'm in awe by the
Newness it brings me everyday.
.. like I'm seeing it for the very first time.
My eyes get heavy and fall shut.
The warmth of the sun brings a smile to
My face.

And I picture it in my head.
Heaven.

I know it's eons away,
But for the moment it is close.

My mind is consumed,
By the one who loves me the most.

I plug my headphones in and Nichole Nordeman's song, "I'm with you", starts to play.
I start running again, faster because of some inner strength fueling me.

People ask why I run.
Here is your answer...
God.
I see and feel Him most then.

It's like my feet pound down the wall in my Heart with each stride as they strike the  pavement..
opening my soul to a God
Who wants to belong there.

It's a magic like no other.

I don't fear in the unknown of tomorrow,
Because I know who it belongs to.

I don't shy from the darkness because I'm running toward the light.

The sun illuminates through trees and obstacles, managing to warm my face. 

Light.

Go out into this world and shine.

I want others to know.

..

To be able to see God through me. No cross around my neck or T-shirt...just see it and know.

That there is something I have they need.. They want.

God has blessed me so and I want to share it with the world. 

I can't contain it. 

It overflows and floods my soul.

I promise. There is nothing and no one like Him.

And I run faster.

The sun starts to set.

I have to make it home before dark. 

Someone might be waiting for me.

Light fades and darkness starts to consume.. But I run fast enough to make it home before all the dark prevails.

I run with purpose.

I make it in perfect timing.

I enter the brightly lighted house and am greeted by Papaw. He smiles.

 I am happy and feel accomplished. 

It was a hard run, one that was tough to make at that pace... but as I look back I'm glad I ran faster ...toward the light and away from the dark. 

My work is of course compensated by the warm house and the sweet welcome from one who loves me.

An encounter of Heaven.

......

I press on to reach the end of the race and to receive the heavenly price for which God is calling us.

Philippians 3:14 

......

Needed

Casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. 

1 Peter 5:7

We all long to feel wanted. 

A longing
And desire to be needed.
It is engineered into us.
..or at least in me.

Someone came to me today.
.. in desperation they shared deep hurt.
This person is coming from a place of fear
One put there by the only person who
Wants us to be pulled away from God.

I can't share the intimate details.. 

but it was bittersweet....

I should tell you I was shocked this person came to me.

I listened intently, but couldn't help but think,
Who am I?

I never thought God could use me in this way, for this person.

I not only grew today, but learned God uses us when we least expect.
And trust me
this was out of the blue.

But the more important matter is this person. ..
They needed me...
a listening ear,
a prayer,
a hug,
all of it
I gave them.

And what a wonderful fulfillment for me and hopefully them too. I can't speak for them though.

I do know they are coming back tomorrow for more prayer.
I'm elated.

Our relationship has already grown tenfold 

because we shared a spiritual moment with God together. 

We bonded more due to a need being fulfilled in a vulnerable moment..

And it made my mind start curiously wondering...
Is this a tad bit of what our relationship with God feels like?

We are hurt, beaten and alone.. 

and we come to Him in a different way than before.
A desperation of 'we can't do it alone'.

The comfort He gives creates a stronger bond 

and our link with him starts to build... 

And we find ourselves wanting more 

..yearning for a deeper relationship with the one who can share the light!

God wants to feel needed. 

He must be needed.

I know I love to be needed.
It is what fuels me.
I enjoy days like today.

Mother Teresa says to serve to the point of hurting.

And then sometimes honestly my exhaust comes quick.  

I've worked a long day, taught needy kids all day, made dinner, cleaned clothes, a

nd I'm called to do the dishes but I'm just done..

.I wish I could say I do it all, but I'm far from perfect.

Fortunately,
God never grows weary of doing it all for us,
listening
To us,
serving us,
giving to our every need and plea.

I strive to be More like Him.
It's a work in progress.
But I'm thankful He is using me in little ways for now.

All I know is I need Him..
More than anyone.
I am crazy about Him.
My life would be full of darkness,
Bumping into all sorts of walls.

Thank you God for being a God
Who longs to be
...needed.

Near the brokenhearted.

 

My heart is broken.

For months my mama has been visiting a friend with cancer.

She lost her battle last night, 

but won the fight for God.

I know, like Grandma, she is at rest with our ultimate

father.

But, she has young children, a young girl,

20 years old,

who will now have to live without her mama.

All I want to do at this very moment is

wrap my arms around her 

precious daughter and share tears with her.

I cannot help but think of my Grandma.

The feeling when I finally knew she went home

and how I wanted her with me and not with God.

The feeling is unlike any you will ever know,

Losing Yourself.

 

Losing.

Who said losing was bad?

First I need to apologize for all the grammatical errors in my post yesterday.

I wrote it in haste.

Let me refocus.

I teach 5th graders, so I bunny trail like my 

students sometimes.

Losing.

Losing loved ones.

Losing money.

Losing your home.

Loss.

This is NOT the losing I want to share with you.

This kind of loss is hard, it's life, but still hard.

I'm talking about a different kind of lost today.

Losing yourself.

Yesterday, I wrote about how sometimes I 

feel fake.

Like I really don't know me.

I'm here to say I realized last night

I don't want to know me!

"What!?", you may be thinking.

It is the truth!

I give up on knowing me.

..and this is why.

I read something very profound last night,  by C.S. Lewis,

in his book Mere Christianity ,

about losing yourself.

IF ANYTHING PLEASE READ THIS!

It is incredible.

 -------------------------------

"Our real, new self 

(which is Christ's and also yours, and yours just because it is His) 

will not come as long as you are looking for it. 

It will come when you are looking for Him. 

Does that sound strange? 

The same principle holds, you know, 

for more everyday matters.

Even in social life, 

you will never make a good impression on other people 

until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making. 

Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about 

originality 

will ever be original 

whereas if you simply try to tell the truth 

you will, 

nine times out of ten, 

become original without ever having noticed it. 

The principle runs through all life from top to bottom, 

Give up yourself, 

and you will find your real self. 

Lose your life and you will save it. 

Submit to death, 

death of your ambitions and favorite wishes 

every day 

and death of your whole body in the end submit 

with every fibre of your being,

and you will find eternal life. 

Keep back nothing. 

Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. 

Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. 

Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only

hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. 

But look for Christ 

and you will find Him,

and with Him everything else thrown in.”

----------------------------------------------------------------

 Wait, doesn't Matthew say something about this too?

Matthew 10:39

Those who find their lives will lose them, 

and those who lose their lives 

because of me will find them. 

I really have nothing more to say,

The Bible and Lewis say it all... right there.

Lose yourself,

and you will find God.

Strive to know Thee,

not me.

The Valley of Death

 

I'm sure this title perplexed you. 

Really, Aeron?

What a morbid title.

Valley of death?

Let me rewind this weekend and explain myself.

I sit here in the other side of my phone,

In my bedroom ,

Laying on the floor,

Writing to you.

Feeling incredibly moved.

Trying to find the right words.

But I will just let them flow.

The past two days I have been given the 

Opportunity to listen and soak in amazing

Messages from women of faith in Dallas, TX.

Now let me backtrack a day before, Thursday.

I had suffered from an agonizing work week

And admitingly allowed Satan to feel my mind with lies.

"Don't go this weekend.".."you shouldn't spend

The money."..."it's not worth your time"

..."you're too tired!".

It almost worked.

I almost fail for it!

Luckily,

A magnet drew me in.. 

A longing..

wasn't sure what for.

But knew my search had drawn a map

Leading to Women of Faith.

So I go.

Grudgingly.

Fast forward to last night.

In a room filled with over ten thousand

Women.

Lots of estrogen.

Bibles.

And Texas big hair.

And emotion...

That was soon to be read on my face.

Tears...

All it took was the first song. 

Amazing Grace.

I was done.

Really?

All I needed was the first five minutes. 

Well honestly, 30 seconds.. to be

Broken.

God knows my heart too well,

Better than I.

He knew I needed to spill.

And He knew that is all it would take.

Does He not know the very hairs on my head?

Yep.

Today continued with emotion

joy,

Laughter,

Discovery,

And Truth.

What truth?

I'm going to get very raw and real

With you.

I've been living in a pit, 

Of sorrow 

and pity.

A place called the valley of death.

One I fell into 7 months ago when I watched

My grandma leave this life ,

Literally in my arms as she laid

On her cold bedroom floor.

Too long I have set grasping the grass in front of her grave,

Week after week,

Pleading her forgiveness for not being able to save her...

Saying "sorry grandma"

 as I let the belief

I had even a slight control over her life.

(More lies from the enemy.)

This is My valley of death.

I have been lived in fear..

Fear I would never be able to recover from the day I watched her die.

The enemy sure does love it.

He knows my weakness too.

He also knows we cannot have fear and faith at the same time.

We have to choose.

And if I choose fear and not faith how can I walk with God??

In order to walk with God I must have faith, Right?

Which means I shall not fear.

 Seems contradicting to be walking with a God

And be afraid.

Ummm ya.

One guy asked us a question this morning...

If you were  completely and truly confident God was with you, would it change the way you lived?

Got me there.

Do I truly believe God can feel my soul and mind with lovely and Godly beauty instead of these Lies?

Instead of seeing grandma in those last moments

Could I see her baking in the kitchen,

Wrapping Christmas presents for her grandbabies,

Making her famous biscuits?

 And not falter to the enemy

Who constantly taunts me,

Telling me,

"You were not fast enough."..

"You could have saved her, but 

You didn't try hard enough."

"Did you really fight for her life?".

This weekend I realized my mistake.

I've been sitting in the valley

Believing lies.. Believing the liar.

Christine Caine, one amazing woman,

 shared today

This very profound  statement..

I will place and lock in my heart.

.....

The Bible says, "As I walk through the valley of death,

I shall fear no evil."

...……

Then she went on to explain.

.......

" notice this 'walk through!' Walk through the valley!".

Not sit down!

Not park!

Walk through!

....

Wow.

Yes, I promise you will suffer heartache

In this life.

Did God not tell us the truth when He said this life

Will a journey.

There will be valleys.

Just don't sit and make camp in them!

That's what I did.

I pitched my tent.

Right in front of grandma's grave.

I do believe it is OK to hurt,

To cry.

Don't allow it to immobilize you though.

Satan loves isolation.

He loves to make you feel alone.

Like you're the only one that life has not turned out well for.

He wants you to be paralyzed by your 

Sufferings.

He wants nothing more than for you to give up on life!

But you know what he hates??...

Faith!

A faith transcending all lies!

The faith , the BELIEF,

God is walking in the valley too. 

Giving you bravery 

And confidence.

A God Escorting us to the other side.

Holding our hand.

Or even picking up our tent we set up 

and saying

" hey, walk through this with me."

Its funny when I choose to believe God

 instead

Of the liar.

I'm at a place of peace.

Comfort.

So I urge you if you are in the valley

Make a choice

To walk and not sit.

To believe truth.

To see the light.

And

I'm sure when you do choose to

Walk this valley, with God,

(Because I believe 

We are in the valley every

Day until we go home)

 there is a rainbow right over the peak of the mountain.

Don't give up. 

Jesus' sacrifice was not in vain,

It was too precious.

You are worthy.

You. Are. Loved.

So to answer the question again,

 If I was truly confident God

Was with me,

 would it change the way

I live?

Yes.

Because HE is with me.

I believe it.

Already He is

changing the way I live.

He has made me braver than I was 48 hours ago.

I have shared more and been more vulnerable

In this post than imagined.

I know my confidence now lies in Him.

I know not who I am but whose I am.

I know I am nothing alone, 

But everything with Him.

And the enemy can take 

that truth,

Put it in his pipe

and smoke it.

Contentment

 

I regret it has been two months since my last post.

A lot of incredible things have happened

in my life and I hate I have not shared them.

For so long I found my blogs to be mournful

and those "feel sorry for myself"

type of songs.

It is not the Aeron I like to be.

I went on an adventure of a lifetime in July.

I spent almost two weeks in Italy.

I traveled Cinque Terre, Florence and Rome.

Can you say, amazing right!?

I will post more on this later.

To more important things going on in my head lately.

Contentment.

I went for a little stroll yesterday afternoon.

I decided to finally spend some

quiet time, just God and me.

I walked a mile down the road and sat on a bridge.

I dived into the Bible and found myself in John.

I usually find myself reading there.

John 8:32 stood out.

"Then you will know the truth..

and the truth will set you free."

What is the truth?

The truth I believe Jesus was speaking of,

was Him.

Once you know Jesus is the Son of God,

you will know the truth, right?

..But what is the truth in my life,

that sets me free??

I feel fake.

..Sometimes, I feel I live a double life.

I am happy, free, go-lucky and adventurous.

..But on the inside there is turmoil.

I question who I am.

Do I really know me?

Will I ever be content?

A part of me feels all over the board with my thoughts.

I pray and ask God for things,

He answers and I usually get them.

However, I am never fully satisfied.

So then I ask myself, is this what I really wanted?

Do I know what I want?

I guess the better question is,

do I know what I need?

I need God that is for sure.

I talked for a good bit this morning with a doll of a friend.

She is a missionary in the Philippines and I adore her.

She put it like this,

"No, we will never be fully satisfied with what God

gives us. We will only be content with Him.

He wants us to seek Him. We cannot find full

contentment any all the worldly, tangible things.

Only in Him will we find our full

satisfaction."

Wow, she is right.

I think that is what my heart was leading me to yesterday.

After all the years' events that have tossed my heart in muck,

I have had happiness beyond measure the past few months..

only it was still not enough, because God was not the center of my focus.

He was definitely in the midst of my blessings,

but I set Him aside.

Last night was one of the best nights of sleep for me.

I went to bed satisfied and content,

because the last thing I did was pray.

I used the analogy this morning, telling my dear friend.

It is like eating healthy and exercising.

I put it off,

sometimes dread it,

or 'I don't have time',

but then when I do eat right and exercise I feel amazing!..

thinking, " wow, why have I not started this sooner

or why did I ever stop in the first place?".

We're human.

I am so human, I keep playing trial and error it seems.

But I am back running again,

literally and spiritually..

running after God.

Exercising my body and mind,

and it feels wonderful!

John 8:12

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said,

"I am the light of the world.

Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness,

but will have the light of life."

...and more thoughts to come sooner than two months down the road.

Be Brave.

 

 

Before I share with you my thoughts

I want to tell you that I had already written

out several words for today's post..

 

But

After hearing about a friend's 

current struggle

my thoughts switched

to a matter much closer to my heart.

And my words changed.

 

Being Brave.

 

It is easier to explain

if I just share with you the message I sent her.

 

I feel like I am more myself

and genuinely expressive when

I am talking directly to someone.

 

So here it is.

 

..........

 

I constantly ask the same question to God,

"Why?".

 

 I know there is

 all the trials

and valleys...

and it hurts...

but I do believe

there is beauty in everything,

even loss...

 

But that does not mean we should not be hurt or angry, 

it is so human and God understands our frustration.

I was once told,

 'it is hard to know what light is

 if you have never seen the dark'...

 

I know we have both experienced the dark,

but it is what makes

the light in us shine that much brighter!

 I know it shines in you.

I can see it!..

.it is His promise to us

that there is always a rainbow

after every storm.

I believe it.

It is what fuels my hope.

 

So I will continue to pray for you.

 

God is so good, always.

......

 

I also want her to know

to

Stay brave, my friend.

I know you are

strong,

faithful,

and full of hope.

 

I know that not knowing, anticipating,

is scary.

I fear the unknown.

But God gives us bravery.

 

He allows us to go through pain,

knowing it will create

endurance,

perseverance,

hope,

trust,

faith.

 

It would be hard to grow without the proper watering.

Storms give flowers the rain, right?

 

I also know you and I rely on God ultimately.

As we all should in these difficult times.

He is so faithful.

 

We must continue to encourage one another

and remind everyone

of our God

and how much He loves us.

 

He is crazy about us!

He also needs us to depend on Him.

 

I know I need Him.

Each and every day.

 

I won't let go and I surely know

He never will.

 

My sweet friend..

Keep on hoping,

keep on trusting,

keep on inspiring others

with your words.

 

Let us make this world a better place.

 

And as my friend, Casey, shared,

"My word for this year isn't hope...it's brave."

 You are so brave, friend!

 

If you are wondering the picture above is from my Grandma's going home

celebration..

It seemed fitting.

Because through the loss of her sweet soul

I have found a beautiful bravery.

Because I have seen God is there,

always.

 

That definitely makes me want to be brave.

 

I love you and we are all praying for you,

Casey Wiegand

 

Romans 15:13

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.